The finish line.
I’ve finished reading a long book. Anna Karenina. It has taken me just over a year to finish. This week my writing to you is a little out of my norm. It’s a little longer and a little deeper. Tolstoy’s writing spoke to me significantly! Please, bear with me, if you would, as I process what I read. Also, I feel like this long of a journey through a book should be marked in some way.
The journey through a novel of that length is more like an epic. When you have no control over the actions of the characters, yet you feel involved in their lives. The desire is so strong to sit them down and give them a good talking to.
“Be brave! Stop putting on pretense so they can hear how you are really feeling!”
“Communication is key!”
“Make better choices.”
“TURN OFF THE VOICES IN YOUR HEAD!”
Tolstoy created his characters in such a complex manner it makes you want to be friends with them. He’s written them so human I can’t help but connect.
Two characters are highlighted most poignantly in a parallel throughout the book. It seems one character is making choices based on immediate gratification while another steps outside himself and actively lives in a way that benefits more than himself. Her destruction parallels his growth. Anna’s life and relationships are degenerating while Levin’s are being built and flourishing.
I believe there are multiple profound aspects of the human experience at play in this epic. Faith, communication, personal choice and inner turmoil.
Faith giving direction: In Tolstoy’s opening line of how happy families resemble each other and unhappy families are unique in their unhappiness, I think he’s highlighting a point. Faith can provide families with a shared sense of purpose and shared goals for life and morality. Spiritual health is part of holistic health, and a family unit can benefit from that as an individual can.
Communication and the power of connections: Anna’s story tragically spirals into solitude as the voices in her head get louder and her choices seem to box her into a cage of loneliness and unhappiness. Levin finds connection and happiness when he finds purpose in life. He communicates, he finds bravery. While he isn’t happy all the time and perfectly content in everything, he lives toward others. Anna’s choices seem to move her farther from happiness while Levin’s integrity helps direct him toward it. Communication and connection are hugely impactful to emotional health.
Selfishness and inner struggles: Anna’s turmoil is, of course, a central theme. Her conflicting desires, expectations she feels from society, and her desire for personal fulfillment. She makes choices without much apparent consideration of the greater impact they make. She justifies by victimizing herself and putting off responsibility. It feels like the dark voices in her head cloud her view of alternative paths and ultimately lead to her destruction. Levin is not without his struggles, yet he chooses to seek community and live outside himself which leads him to find connection. We can find freedom in looking outside ourselves, like Levin did. When we help others, we stop thinking about ourselves.
Depression and anxiety: Suicidal thoughts can be so loud. Anna’s character highlights this. I’m sure many around her thought, “How could this charismatic, beautiful woman be suffering from such depression, isolation, and torment?” They thought “She brought this on herself.” They thought that her outward confidence could never be hiding such insecurity. And yet she wilted away and was eaten alive by the depression and the dark voices in her head. There was no other input. They screamed her into death because they were the only voices she heard. If Anna had openly shared her darkness with her lover, her brother, her sister-in-law, maybe the voices would have been overruled. (I know. It’s a book. But the story and the lessons make me think deeply and want better for Anna.)
This is a pretty grim book and I can’t tell you for certain if there was a family in it that was “happy”. Maybe that’s one of Tolstoy’s points? That everyone sins, everyone is fallible. (Also, there was no Instagram so there were no filters.)
A beautiful theme at the end of this book was Levin’s realization that finding faith, while a glorious epiphany, didn’t extinguish the daily choices that are ours to make. It didn’t suddenly dim his fiery impatience or make him any more smiley. He still had to make the daily choices that were always his to make. Work, storms, frustrations, fear; they didn’t disappear. His long term outlook on the meaning of his life was deepened and when didn’t feel alone. He found a why to all of the philosophical why’s he’d been asking all along.
Tolstoy masterfully weaves all of these contrasting narratives and lives, inviting us to reflect on our choices and the impact of faith, communication, community and outlook. There is much to take away from his writing. The book was worth the read. Just once for me, probably not twice.
Connecting with this epic: I felt close to both Anna and Levin’s experiences. I forget how close at hand my own experience is with amplified dark voices. Just over half a decade ago, I was being suffocated by my depression, wilting into my death by my addiction to alcohol. I can read a story like this now with hindsight. It’s 20/20 they say. But when I was wading through my own dark thoughts of my place in the world, those thoughts that seem crazy to me now were the only ones I heard. And they were loud. Like Anna, I found that staying quiet amplified the darkness. Like Levin, I found that looking outside myself was one way I found healing.
The most common comment I receive now when someone in my life hears about my past struggles is “I had no idea you were dealing with that.” This isn’t a reflection on others, they weren’t unsympathetic in any way. I see it as more of a reflection on the isolating effects that depression can have. To me, my darkness was so loud, I was sure everyone could see right through my facade at how worthless I felt I was. Sharing these thoughts out loud helped me to fact check and fight them. Shining light into the darkness helped banish it. Shame wants these voices and thoughts to stay in the darkness where their strength is preserved. Light weakens them and loosens their grip. We can find freedom in looking outside ourselves, like Levin did. When we help others, we stop thinking about ourselves. This also helps our troubles seem smaller.
“Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.” Proverbs 31:10 We can look beautiful or put together and still suffer inner turmoil. There can still be bitterness in the heart. I believe God wants us to connect with others, to trust in His purpose for us, and to live in the freedom His sacrifice gives us.
If there’s an Anna in your life, or if you are struggling with these loud voices that fester in the darkness, please please reach out. Don’t stop reaching out to someone your gut tells you is struggling. I was conflicted while reading Anna Karenina. My present self was mad at her while my past self shared similarities with her. There is so much more to each of us. Let’s not judge by the tip of the iceberg that is portrayed. There’s always more. Everyone has their crap. Everyone has their darkness.
Thank you, as always, for reading with me as we all juggle our many hats in life. I pray that you find peace, purpose, and meaning in your juggling. I am so glad you are here.
French toast for dinner tonight. Why? Because we have been a little busy and I have TONS of eggs to eat! :) I’m having fun in the kitchen with breakfast recipes lately because of all the eggs. Maybe next week I’ll share some that have been winners!
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Inspiring words.